PaW #52: Gneiss (Grand Finale)Pay no attention to the leeches
White wallsThese four blank walls, reality condemned
2015-194 EvensongMy friend Rebecca Michelle TheEmptyChest asked if I were to write the story of my life, what I would title it. The title I was thinking of was 'Holding onto Hope' or something along those lines. But 'Evensong' would work well, too, or perhaps better.
Help.No matter how hopeless you feel,
Brush Stroke Discoveriesthe sunset is not complete without tomorrow,
Honouring Christmas in a War ZoneHonouring Christmas in a War Zone
BeaconYou are still a shining angel.
Irisyou are a rainbow
She DaresShe Dares
BeaconYou are still a shining angel.
Cheap VodkaAaron was gulping down his anger with cheap vodka, hiding from the world to drown in his self-induced sorrows. It was a routine, at times – fighting then drinking, drinking then fighting. It was as if he wanted it to happen. Today was no different, and the tears that ran down my face were a testament to how the day had gone. I had been beaten down by resentment; disgraced for having an opinion. I knew, at this moment, he hated me. And yet, I loved him. Don’t ask me how or why, but I did, and I wanted to marry him for some god-forsaken reason.
We had been together for over two years, and I felt it was time to make that commitment. The night I brought it up, he began ranting at me again. He asked me "what difference would it make for us" and "why should we pay for something that wouldn't affect the nature of our relationship?" I couldn’t tell him, I didn’t want to tell him. I wanted to be myself again; not living in worry about losing him to someone else because I
To That BoyTo the first boy I ever fell in love with.
I hate you
Before I met you I knew what I wanted in this world
I was going to be a rough and tough football player
But now I’ve discovered my passion for the arts
I knew the kind of girl I wanted to marry. a rule abiding, scientist who could always appreciate a good discussion about politics
But then I met you
A rebel pothead who couldn’t name three presidents, and I love it. I love everything about it
I hate you
I was going fly out of this small town and never look back.
Now I don’t want to leave but I must
Leaving no longer feels like an accomplishment
it feels like a punishment for a crime I have not committed
The first time we kissed I never hated you more
This was wrong I thought
But it felt so right
Your lips rewriting everything I know
For the first time in my life tommorow didn’t matter
All that mattered was us
Jesus fucking Christ I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I wish I hated you
But I don’t
I love you
there are ghosts where my heart should be.
they don't know how to die.
Dog TeethVicious bites,
Leaving a trail of teeth and crescent shapes along my skin
Then you'll give me a toothy grin.
One day, you'll kill me with your dog teeth
With your lies swarming my head, like a wreath
You like your cruel games
I'll pray like Saint James,
Maybe I'll survive one more night
But I'll have you know, you really don't hurt me in the slight.
You can't do anything that I wouldn't do to myself.
youI found out your love has terms and conditions that I didn't sign
some kind of fine print
I didn't read between the lines of your rules
and now I'm finding myself outside of your house at 3 am wanting a hug from you
but I saw through your window that you were too busy hugging your beer bottle
I wasn't born correctly
I wasn't put in the right places or pieces
I just am
and it is wrong
latelyi've woken up
to the realization,
i'm always crying,
even without a single drop
of emotion ghosting my face.
a shiver grazed my spine
while the rafters rattled
and the faceless continue
to laugh at suicide.
i'm warped and tangled,
rolled over on my side,
gazing at papier-mâché walls
praying for it all to cave in.
you've always said,
i'm a quick-witted fox,
an indecipherable dreamer,
with words to stun my enemies
and inspire my lovers,
--i'm not so creative anymore.
i'm throwing cliches at this room,
fighting off my haunted memories,
i'm lack-luster on sleep, full-on,
i've told you once,
there's a blackness on my shoulders,
fingers clenched around my spine,
a maniacs laugh, broken down eyes,
and it feeds on me to stay alive,
but now it's swallowed me.
i'm pacing this black hole,
calling out your name but,
it echoes back, taunting me,
i'm cocooned, broken wings,
with no air left to survive.
don't worry, darling,
though part of me is dead,
Men of FaithI don't trust in men of faith anymore
because one of those took mine and splayed
it open on the alter at Sunday mass.
I don't know how to look at you straight on
trusting them and not scream at you to look around,
to check your blind spot, to clench your fist
around your heart and run!
2017 06 28 2058i feel the weight of the galaxy
as i spin in circles
fading in and out of consciousness
giving life to dying ideas
When The Manic Sleeps Alonei.
Rouge northwest of facing nowhere, this signal of a sign meant for someone else.
Blubbery headaches and I ain't sleepin' too good complaints.
Spastic stretching for the spin - the last elastic spindle
this final pinnacle of pressure.
It's loosening, uncurling from my fingers
further into sloshed, slashed, and slammed
phalanges twisting with intention.
That sickening grip, cultivating nonsense
tightening without purpose or correction
scrawling these verbose blisters
To convey the skeletal density
the under-layer of basis and belief
Mortar enforcing the busted shack
I guess you could say I don't really forgive people.
In some paralleled universe, this was completely worth it.
Most of the debauchery, and unforgivable.
Every fuckin' word.
Look. We're both disgusted, so just back off.
The inability toned my muscles in lard. I got fat - fat and lazy.
My Favorite MistakeWhen the right one
is completely wrong.
Either heal over time
Or kill you
It's the non-physical ones that worry me
On this, I will not compromise.I miss being quiet,
but only sometimes.
I am louder now,
voice carrying over;
unapologetic for existing.
It is when I am alone
that I think,
I am too loud.
more wicked than kind.
I remind myself I can
be gentle, but I must survive.
And, at times,
kindness is being cruel.
divinity between teeth of a stormcloudone
meet me at the railways. we are
running towards god. the ribbons in your hair
-ceaseless- trailing into sunset blurs and
our ticket picking fingers knot and nestle
as i hold your hand
and we leave
i learn from him
that you can be full of love
still be toxic.
when my world is falling apart,
he lets me collapse into him.
when i talk about suicide,
he laughs, nervous
as though he didn’t understand
that maybe i stopped taking those kind of meds
Existence PausedI don't want to be alive. Not in a suicide kind of way
Just in a temporary blackness
that would be so kind to swallow me whole
and take me home
and quiet the tone
of anger and failure in the order I choose.
it's a genocide war - no winners come through.
I don't really want to be alive
for just this moment in time
when the winds stop blowing
when they cease for a moment
and in the same way so do I
I'd like to walk on
I'd like to feel strong
I'd like to inhale a respite
take off the coat of the desperate
and not have breath for a time
and not have to steady my spine
I'd like to be paused in existence.
Too muchLove is like vodka
When it's too much it makes me sick
Irisyou are a rainbow
surrounded by dark clouds.
but, you shine through the murk anyway.
everyone's eyes are on you;
your brilliance in the sky on display for all,
but not everyone gazes at you with pure intentions.
their ulterior motives motivate them to the gold you conceal,
which is not real--
the true riches being you heart, tempered like steel,
as well as how you feel.
even if someone shatters your prism,
the strands of light are still hiding in the sun's rays,
and they are what make you.
WhineCry me a river
Build a bridge
And get over it
Not a sin, an experienceIt takes two hands to put in a hearing aid. One
to hold the ear hook and press it into the thin skin
over the skull and the other to wedge the receiver
as far down the ear canal as it will go
the better you do the more you hear
the more you hurt
with any extra fingers you can hold your hair back
which will avoid tangles but treat the world
to a view of a twenty-something year old woman
with hearing aids, and that,
that is a freak show
I make a point to make eye contact with whoever's staring,
if they must stare let me make this as uncomfortable
for them as for me, they blink twice and look away
and I smile and jam the receiver down farther
and wince at the static
It took me four years to find this kind of
resistance, this small act of power play
and even as I pull my hair back over
my ears I can feel my heart race
and my face burn, I'm three parts angry
and one part nauseous with embarrassment.
I think it was the grocery store where she gave up
on me, there was a crowd or som
Glass DoorsGlass Doors
by Tricia Pattinson
Walking into a glass door
Shocks everyone including you
You, by the rigidity of reality
Them, by the fact, your reality attempts possibility
Cutting through a glass door
Shocks them but not you
The tool that cuts through is beyond their grasp
For you, it is a brief barrier unworthy of stillness
A LOVE OF FATES, ANOREXIC GUIDEA storm in a tea cup
All the while, the lonely voices
Alias that hides inside the mirror
In between two, my image of you
An over extended reach
A thoughtless moment
A hand that grabs you from behind
The creature behind the mask,
the monster that lives inside
Slender hearts, playing musical chairs
with my soul
smashed tea sometimes, we are not the correct fit
for another human being
and sometimes, we are beleaguered.
there are people in the world that are too angry
and sometimes you need the propinquity to want to move on
The Detriment of SleepAriadne,
can I thread
a golden cord
between our centers?
From my fevered
inside the stone arteries
of the Labyrinth
put my fingers to my mouth
and swallow maps
A Small RevoltTeasingly,
they escape me,
like fireflies dancing
in the garden,
that, for a fleeting moment,
touch my mind
and disappear without
a second sight.
he held me under the water and i choked on it,
bleach to bleach, ashes to ashes, dust to dust
lungs crushed up like grapefruit. like rose petals in ashtrays.
“what do you want me to say?” i asked him
as we sat there, dangling our feet into the deep end.
my ankles still stung. seven years isn’t such a long time.
“the truth,” he answered. i pushed him into the water.
took a deep breath. got up & left.
blind me a little
but i need them. i need to remember
that i can pull the plug out of the bathtub,
that i can trail my fingers
against the wallpaper
and there are no thorns here.
i need to see them
like those glow in the dark stars
on the ceiling. i like to write out my nightmares on the wall
i'm just glad i wasn't there to watch you burni can still smell the last
wisps of cigarette smoke that
you cast into my face
as you turned away.
that acrid smell
i loved to taste on your lips
clung to you, seeped under
your skin and rotted out your
maybe that's why i never felt like i
could get enough air
- because you know i was breathing for
the both of us.
you always kept the lighter in
the left pocket of your shirt
-closest your heart.
you were left handed
but i always thought that it was symbolic.
you never liked it when i looked
you hated the part of me that found
meaning in actions and feelings and
maybe that's why you always swatted
away my ideas like air.
'smoking kills' was the headliner on your
and whenever you reached for them you'd always
smile, i'll ask you now because i never really could,
did you like playing with fire?
and we'll never burn outi love the way that
even when your hands shake with rage,
there is a light in your
eyes that burns only for me.
i love the way that you search the
room for my face,
and the way we both ignite when i meet your gaze.
love, we are a forest fire that can only burn brighter.
12 Reasons You Are Nothing Like Your Hero Hercules1.
You were so torrentially toxic to me
I had to slice my own veins to get you out.
There was more chaos in the way you loved me
than there was in the winding weather storm
that broke every window in the house we called home,
you turned that home into a house.
You claimed momentary insanity,
like your hero Hercules,
the day you used your fists for the first time,
the same insanity that plagued Hercules
when he slew everyone he loved.
I wonder if there was a storm
where he lived that day too.
Harbinger made of hemlock and heartache,
hurricane made of hurt and heartbreak,
you were Hera’s lesson of harm and habit,
you were impossible to break,
but I too, like you,
have hidden the strength of Hercules
somewhere inside this harbour body
that used to welcome hurricanes.
I too, have always known siren songs
that have bewitched men
with more ancient madness
than you could ever imagine.
I too have spoken words that dripped with cruelty
like a soldiers sword in a battlefield,
Do leave one another some feedback and support
As usual, I am massively behind with my deviation stacks. Attempting to catch up, but may have to delete them all if it gets to overwhelming. Please let me know if you think I've missed anything? Seriously, you guys are important to me. I know I've been really bad at communicating and staying involved in the community and stuff (actually starting to end up with extra health problems due to overworking myself) but you all mean so much to me I don't want to lose that just because I'm failing right now.
Love you all x
Artist, photographer, writer, composer, singer-songwriter; creator.
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