There's nothing anyone can say to make your life better; nothing anyone can do, except from standing by. In your struggle you're alone: wishing not to be, while wishing upon no one what you go through. I'm sure many of us do worry about your next suicide attempt, knowing it will happen - because how could it not? Anyone would want such pain to end. Will death really make things better? I suppose that depends on personal philosophies.

I can't begin to understand what you're going through. I'd like to give you reassuring words, or a magical trick to make the pain go away. Something that would (re)kindle your faith in life. But I don't think you'd be able to hear. This pain is like a demon holding its hands on your ears and on your eyes. Could giving it a form help you try and defeat it? Give it a name, even a face - dissociate the pain from you, instead of dissociating you from yourself?

Remember that you're cared about, through good and bad. I can but wish you strength, and hope you find it in yourself.